Beautiful mess
by Sapphire2007
Summary: Inspired - as always - by the spoilers for ep.5.11 "Joy to the World". To help us all survive the time we have to kill until Tuesday night.


You've got the best of both worlds  
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,  
And lift him back up again  
You are strong but you're needy,  
Humble but you're greedy  
And based on your body language,  
And shoddy cursive I've been reading  
Your style is quite selective,  
Though your mind is rather reckless  
Well I guess it just suggests  
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is  
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write  
Kind of turn themselves into knives  
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction  
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear  
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice  
Your comebacks they're quick  
And probably have to do with your insecurities  
There's no shame in being crazy,  
Depending on how you take these  
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is  
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures  
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth  
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure  
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

* * *

Cuddy's car came to a halt in front of his town house.  
She glanced over at his dimly lit living room whose light shone through the windows, out into the night. Like an invitation.  
A sting in her heart told her that she couldn't fool herself. She cared for him. Cared that he was alone on Christmas Eve, cared that he was miserable for no reason.  
She shook her head in frustration. This wasn't over. Would never be.

Her eyes fell upon the sleeping child in the Maxi Cosi on her passenger's seat. There it was, her very own little crack baby.  
Joy.  
A bitter smile curled on her lips. She couldn't have picked a more ironic name for this child.

It didn't fit into her world. Because it wasn't perfect. It always came unexpected, unannounced and intertwined with the promise of being taken away from her again.

This is why she now found herself in front of his doorstep. Holding the Maxi Cosi awkwardly, like she was wearing a pair of shoes that didn't fit. Feeling the weight of the baby heavy, tearing in her shoulder.  
She didn't want this child. It belonged to his world of negation and imperfection. Of hurt feelings, destruction and addiction.  
She didn't want this child, neither did she want him.

After a long pause following her knock on his door he opened.

She had expected to find him in his usual Christmas Eve mess. Drunk, high, miserable.  
Yet he wasn't. The expression in his face even seemed light, untroubled.  
Until his gaze fell on the child.

"This doesn't look like the Chop Suey I ordered", he grumbled, nodding towards the baby and then looking at her.  
But even though there was a shadow of misery hushing over his face she saw the smile imprinted somewhere behind his eyes.

She replied with a smile herself. Forced, insecure, but well-intentioned.

"Can I come in?" she simply replied and walked in, forcing him to back away.

When she had reached the center of his living room she came to a halt and turned around. Still holding on to the Maxi Cosi, tightening her grip with every step he came closer.

"Since I'm taking off the next four days I thought I should give you your Christmas present now", she started and stretched out her hand that was holding a thin neatly wrapped present whose shape was suggesting that this was a vinyl record.

House hesitated before he accepted it.

"You're giving me a Christmas present?" he asked, obviously surprised.

"You gave me the desk", she retorted simply.

"I did NOT give you the --- "

"Oh shut up. My Mom told me", she cut him short, feeling her frustration over his cowardice rising again. She swallowed it and nodded.

"Unwrap it", she commanded hoarsely.

He did as he was told, tore off the paper and pulled the record out.

"Bob Dylan – The 30th Anniversary Concert Madison Square Garden October 1992…" he read the Vinyl cover and let his fingers trail over the cover.

He looked at her in obvious surprise.  
She knew he liked it.  
Because it was another shared secret, a statement rendering homage to what they once were. What they might become again.  
Just like the desk.  
But he would never admit that.  
Which is why she was the one who smiled for the two of them. She would always have to be the better one for the two of them.  
Her smile was answered with a silent swallow, a pause, and a disruption of their intimate moment when he broke eye contact and looked at Joy.

"So….you're happy now?" he asked as if nothing had happened.

Her eyes followed him blankly while he was limping towards his LP player.

Was she happy? She hardly remembered the last time she had been happy. However, somehow she remembered it to feel different.

"Well, I won't be able to keep her", she answered. "So I guess I'm happy while it lasts."

"Reasonable thinking", he said, as if he hadn't even listened.

"You're not gonna listen to this NOW, are you?"

"Well, that's actually the whole theory behind records, thought you knew that when you bought this", he replied.

"House, you're gonna wake her", she nodded towards Joy and he looked at her.

"She's a crack baby. She should know Bob Dylan", he shrugged his shoulder.

The familiar scratch of the LP needle finding her trail on the vinyl filled the silence.

And Cuddy let the Maxi Cosi sink until it softly landed on House's couch table. Next to his bottle of Jack Daniels, Cuddy noticed with another sting in her heart.  
Imperfection, the new motive of her life.

The guitar sounds of Eric Clapton's "Don't think twice, it's alright" exploded powerfully as House closed his eyes and played his air guitar along with the tunes.

"Turn that down", she hissed at him and walked over to him, switching off the LP player.

"And stop calling her that. She is NOT a crack baby."

Her voice sounded hurt, irritated, open.  
He opened his eyes and stared at her, surprised by her sudden outbreak of vulnerability.

"Wow. That mother instinct of yours really kicks in on demand every time, doesn't it?"

She looked at him, her eyes wildly widened, with angry lines forming above them.  
House was an emotional dead end. It was wearing her out.  
She found herself wishing this kiss had never happened.  
But it had happened.  
And it had set something in motion.  
Because it had been set in motion by the same something.

"Why are you doing this?" she shot at him, ignoring the soft crying of the baby, that was constituting the perfect soundtrack for her rage. "Why do you go to world's end to get me this goddamn desk? You make phone calls to Social Services to get me this baby, you use EVERY minute to mock me, harrass me or stalk me. But you can't face me saying that you love me?!"

Her words came out strong, hitting their meaning hard, truthfully. There wasn't even the slightest hint of doubt or softness in her tone. Nor love.  
This time it was his heart that felt the sting.

"Is that what you want?" he asked her, making a step towards her.

They looked at each other. And Cuddy felt the same confusion she had felt so many times before when she had looked into those blue eyes, that could look so open, so vulnerable and at the same time seemed to hide a whole universe of complexity.

"No", she said. "I have everything I want. The question is: What do YOU want?"

Before he could make another step towards her, she backed out and turned away from him to walk over to her crying baby.  
She didn't want to give him the opportunity for another kiss. Or another awkward attempt to touch her. Because she didn't know how her reaction would be. And she certainly couldn't exclude violent reactions at this point.

She picked Joy up from her Maxi Cosi and kissed her, soothed her, until she and the baby had calmed down, feeling House's gaze heavy on her silhouette.

With Joy still on her arm she made herself ready to go.

"I know this can never be perfect. And I am not asking for perfection. This baby isn't perfect. But I accept that. All I'm asking for is some truth. And yes, that means that you have to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable", she whispered as she passed by him, her scent lingering in the air he breathed in. "But that's a risk you have to be willing to take."

He turned around, his body following her scent. And his eyes following her delicate figure.

She was so wrong.  
She was perfect. Everything about her was perfect. She even made that crack baby look perfect in her arms.  
He didn't want all of her power to suck him in, to dissolve him in all this perfection. He needed his space, his misery, his cage.  
It felt safe. He couldn't get out, yet he felt free. Because no one could get in either, could hurt him.  
Her eyes, though, could even already hurt him through between the bars of this cage. They both had the capability to destroy each other, to consume each other completely.

When her fingers closed around the shining doorknob his rough voice sounded through the silence.

"Stay", he said.

She shivered under this short, simple word. Simplicity could be more complex than anything sometimes, she thought and turned around.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because", he replied and shrugged his shoulders.

With a puzzled expression on her face her hand slid away from the doorknob.

"I ordered Chop Suey", he added after a pause, knowing he had to say something.

A smile rose on her face when she moved away from the door, towards him. Slowly. Firmly holding Joy in her arm, the Maxi Cosi heavily dangling on her other arm.

"Is that what you want?" she repeated his words with a husky voice that flicked a switch inside him, making his heart beat faster.

"Only if you can take that thing of your shoulder", he said with a voice just as husky.

Her smile turned from sweet into victorious. She chuckled and let the Maxi Cosi fall down to hand him the baby.

Joy's blue eyes met his and he just stared at her, motionless. Cuddy waited until it felt awkward. But he remained still.

"Now hold her, you moron. I need to get her things ouf of the car if I stay for dinner."

"If I hold her you're gonna have to stay the night to make up for this."

"I'm not negotiating with you any more", she replied and returned his look forcefully. "Please", she added softly, feeling like asking for more than just holding the baby.

Until he reached out and took the heavy weight off her arms and another heavy weight off her soul.  
She let the unfamiliar sight reach her mind.  
It was as wrong as it felt.  
But that was her new motive.

She turned away to walk out into the cold.

Snowflakes were falling down silently, melting on her warm body, making her shiver.

When she had gathered all of Joy's things from the car she straightened up and looked at House's window.

The light inside his living room was warm and golden, just like in every other living room on a night like this.  
But there was no happy family in there, celebrating, lighting the Christmas tree, eating dinner.  
There was just him, holding a baby against his will, looking miserable.  
Waiting for her to come back and save him.

Which is why she leaned back against her car and remained there for another minute.  
Falling in love with him from the distance.

Their eyes met through the glass, through the snow flurry, through the night.

And suddenly they smiled at each other.

Maybe distance was their only chance.


End file.
